Eskimo Immigration Crisis

The US has done a good job protecting the southern boarder from illegal immigration, but can't the government do more to protect the northern border from countless Eskimos entering the country?  As this problem grows more rampant, it appears the once reassuring claims that Eskimos melt in warm environments are almost certainly myths.  

Part of the problem has been failure to notice the crisis.  Many Alaskan Eskimos aren't even being called illegal immigrants simply because Alaska is located inside of the United States.  

Many US citizens are losing their jobs to illegal Eskimo immigrants because Eskimos are overqualified for work in the US and willing to do it the same jobs for small amounts of seal meat.  Leading architect Jonathan Grant warns his countrymen that "Eskimos are 80-90% better at building Igloos than the average American.  Igloos can be built at a fraction of the cost of brick and aluminum structures, and if we don't act quickly, the Igloo will become the primary form of architecture.  Everything from baseball stadiums to tropical hotels will be built from ice blocks.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where getting a lap dance means laying my shriveled sack on a frozen bench while a shivering girl shoves her dangerously hard nipples in my face."

States near the boarder, such as Vermont, have been hit hardest by the problem.  Vermont computer software designer Dana Quail told Pressing Issues "It's impossible to tell who's who!  Yesterday I saw a person who appeared to be peacefully making crafts with whale blubber, but it turns out she was an Eskimo!"  

Much discrimination has risen from the conflict.  Racial slurs are being used to describe female Eskimos, including, "Snowblowers," "Deep-Throat Singers," and "Harpoontang."

So many Eskimos have immigrated that leading authorities can no longer count the number on one hand.  God help us if they have to start using toes.  War is already imminent.  Before the week is over the US may engage the Eskimos in a full blown snowball fight.