All around the nation, students are using and abusing it to get their grades up: Homework. Based on its effectiveness, it’s no wonder that it’s become such a widespread epidemic. A recent study suggests that students who use HGH (Homework, Guidance, and Handouts) before taking tests do 80-90% better than students who went in clean.
Former high school valedictorian Dale Quintin admits to using homework before taking many of his tests. “I just couldn’t take the pressure,” he pleaded. “I needed something to give me the edge.” Quintin will face the Supreme Court in May. Tentative analysis suggests that he’ll receive a steep jail sentence, but capital punishment certainly hasn’t been ruled out.
There are still a select few students playing by the rules. Biff Harley is one of them. “I don’t do homework. Never have. I’m not a cheater,” he scoffed, while combing his mohawk and adjusting his brass knuckles. “Any idiot can do well if they study the material ahead of time, but bullshitting the shit out of an essay question you’ve got no fucking clue about – now that takes talent.”
What many high school and college students don’t realize is that HGH use causes slow, but severe physical impairment. Across the nation, hospitals are being filled with students suffering from paper cuts and graphite stains on their fingers. One student even reported developing a callus. The most tragic case, though, occurred just last week when a student overdosed on Language Arts homework. While attempting to read hundreds of pages from Huckleberry Finn at 1:00 am, the student lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they realized that the student mixed his Language Arts reading assignment with a Pre-Algebra worksheet.
“The additive effect between the two is deadly,” a paramedic reported. “The child was already high on math homework. The second he introduced Language Arts into his bloodstream he went into Cardiac Arrest. He’s lucky to be alive. I mean, I’ve seen some bad drug mixing. I once resuscitated a person who mixed Vicadin, alcohol, and Heroin - but Pre-Algebra and Language Arts? Jesus Christ.”
In addition to the immediate danger posed by HGH, the substance is highly addictive. Homework addict Jimmy Spritz claims there are certain triggers that set off his addiction. “I can’t sit down in class without jonesing to take some notes. Around the school there are study groups, which are filled with enablers. The hardest part, I guess, is that I’ll always be an addict. All it takes is seeing a number two pencil in the grocery store and next thing you know I’m back on the phone with my dealer buying a trapper keeper’s worth of the most potent homework I can get my hands on.”
There have been some attempts to educate students on HGH abuse, but they were abruptly put to an end. It seems that these classes incorporated guidance, handouts, and take home worksheets grotesquely reminiscent of the very homework they sought to end.
The current method being employed to stop HGH use is urine testing. If even a trace amount of Multiple Choice or Fill in the Blank (street names for various types of HGH) is found in the student’s urine, they are immediately expelled, tried, and often executed. And if, God forbid, the test detects any amount of True or False in the student’s urine, he or she is immediately given the electric chair without any chance for appeal (even in states where the electric chair is illegal).
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