Are Babies Acting Immaturely?

They're whiney, they poop in their own pants, and they may be in your home.  Across the nation, babies are crying about stupid crap and most of us are wondering, "Why can't they just grow up?"

One parent complained, "I've had this baby for three months, and my neighbor said he did nothing but cry all last week when my wife and I tried to take a nice vacation to Flordia. Imagine what it must have been like for her to listen to seven straight days of hysterical crying. I'm not going to give in and feed him, though.  That only reinforces the idea that this kind of obnoxious behavior works."

While most other types of humans are capable of feeding and dressing themselves, nearly all babies need us to do it for them.  Are they being selfish?  For more, we go to the Pressing Issues conference room.

Wayne Howard:  First of all, to answer your question -  Yes.  Babies are being extremely selfish. My baby wasn't one leg out of his C-Section before he started crying and crying.  

Stuart Handy:  Exactly, I mean, these babies should be grateful that they weren't aborted.   

Leslie Cole:  Honestly, my baby was much, much more peaceful inside of the womb.  Now?  He burps and vomits constantly.  But despite how much worse he is now, a simple abortion procedure at this point is called "murder."  

Stuart Handy:  Mhmm.

Wayne Howard:  I guess the real question is:  What can we do about this problem?

Stuart Handy:  I think "problem" is kind of a euphemism, but okay...

 

Karen Neary:  What if we rounded them up and put them in some sort of a camp?

Wayne Howard:  I like the spirit of your argument, but I fear it might be too costly - what if there was some way that we could speed up the passage of time?  

Leslie Cole:  I don't know if that's possible, but we could simply treat them like adults to get them to act more like adults.  What if we lowered the drinking age to say, two months?

Karen Neary:  Great idea, but one problem that your going to run into is that there will be a fallout allowing younger communities to get alcohol much more easily.  Studies suggest that if we were to lower the drinking age to two months, there will be a strong spike in the amount of drinking among six-week-olds.

Stuart Handy:  But currently, six-week-olds who are drinking are binge drinkers.  My infant daughter simply spills her apple juice on her face with her mouth open.  Babies like her need to learn responsible drinking habits, and that might mean doing a moderate amount of daily drinking in the five, six-week age range.

Wayne Howard:  Listen, I think we'd all like to see babies showing more responsible alcohol habits, but another thing we need to do is teach them better rhetorical skills.

Stuart Handy:  My baby just "goos" and "gaahs."  I can't get her to construct a full sentence, let alone incorporate dramatic irony into her first words.  

Karen Neary:  Most babies don't even know what a soliloquy is.  We try to teach them.  Do you think they're intentionally ignoring us?  

Leslie Cole:  I do.  Babies are fucking assholes.  

Stuart Handy:  They just don't have any respect.  The other day I was driving, and not only did my baby not equally share the time behind the wheel, but she didn't even offer. 

Wayne Howard:  My baby refuses to shop at regular Gap.  

Stuart Handy:  It's like I told my baby:  If you don't want to get stepped on, stop being so short.