Are Babies Acting Immaturely?

They're whiney, they poop in their own pants, and they may be in your home.  Across the nation, babies are crying about stupid crap and most of us are wondering, "Why can't they just grow up?"

One parent complained, "I've had this baby for three months, and my neighbor said he did nothing but cry all last week when my wife and I tried to take a nice vacation to Flordia. Imagine what it must have been like for her to listen to seven straight days of hysterical crying. I'm not going to give in and feed him, though.  That only reinforces the idea that this kind of obnoxious behavior works."

While most other types of humans are capable of feeding and dressing themselves, nearly all babies need us to do it for them.  Are they being selfish?  For more, we go to the Pressing Issues conference room.

Wayne Howard:  First of all, to answer your question -  Yes.  Babies are being extremely selfish. My baby wasn't one leg out of his C-Section before he started crying and crying.  

Stuart Handy:  Exactly, I mean, these babies should be grateful that they weren't aborted.   

Leslie Cole:  Honestly, my baby was much, much more peaceful inside of the womb.  Now?  He burps and vomits constantly.  But despite how much worse he is now, a simple abortion procedure at this point is called "murder."  

Stuart Handy:  Mhmm.

Wayne Howard:  I guess the real question is:  What can we do about this problem?

Stuart Handy:  I think "problem" is kind of a euphemism, but okay...

 

Karen Neary:  What if we rounded them up and put them in some sort of a camp?

Wayne Howard:  I like the spirit of your argument, but I fear it might be too costly - what if there was some way that we could speed up the passage of time?  

Leslie Cole:  I don't know if that's possible, but we could simply treat them like adults to get them to act more like adults.  What if we lowered the drinking age to say, two months?

Karen Neary:  Great idea, but one problem that your going to run into is that there will be a fallout allowing younger communities to get alcohol much more easily.  Studies suggest that if we were to lower the drinking age to two months, there will be a strong spike in the amount of drinking among six-week-olds.

Stuart Handy:  But currently, six-week-olds who are drinking are binge drinkers.  My infant daughter simply spills her apple juice on her face with her mouth open.  Babies like her need to learn responsible drinking habits, and that might mean doing a moderate amount of daily drinking in the five, six-week age range.

Wayne Howard:  Listen, I think we'd all like to see babies showing more responsible alcohol habits, but another thing we need to do is teach them better rhetorical skills.

Stuart Handy:  My baby just "goos" and "gaahs."  I can't get her to construct a full sentence, let alone incorporate dramatic irony into her first words.  

Karen Neary:  Most babies don't even know what a soliloquy is.  We try to teach them.  Do you think they're intentionally ignoring us?  

Leslie Cole:  I do.  Babies are fucking assholes.  

Stuart Handy:  They just don't have any respect.  The other day I was driving, and not only did my baby not equally share the time behind the wheel, but she didn't even offer. 

Wayne Howard:  My baby refuses to shop at regular Gap.  

Stuart Handy:  It's like I told my baby:  If you don't want to get stepped on, stop being so short.   

Shocking New Study Suggests Studies Are Bullshit

Today, a 35 year series of 112 studies was concluded, with its results suggesting that all studies are complete and and utter bullshit. Director of the study, Jonathan Douglas, highlighted a few of the key points of his work.

"90-95% of statistics are completely pointless.  Additionally, four out of five Southeastern Bulgarians feel that race is completely irrelevant in all studies.  And we also found a direct correlation between the various factors in a study not being related and the studies results being bullshit." 

The studies results are already being hailed by psychologists around the world.  Dr. Phil Erikson claimed, "I never used to put much emphasis on studies, but brilliant studies like this have changed my mind.  I'll be using them much more." 

Up until now, there have been many failed attempts to prove that studies are bullshit.  All of those studies were nothing more than pure bullshit.  

Weatherman Predicting Night

Pressing Issues weatherman Isaac Diggory is predicting a 60% chance of night to occur by the end of the day.  He highlighted the areas that will be affected by the meteorological phenomenon, and shockingly, its going to hit basically everywhere in the country.  Night encompasses lack of light and general darkness.  Forewarnings of night include decreasing amounts of sunlight and the passage of time. Diggory claims that such an event hasn't occurred on record since yesterday.

Massive Expansions in the Brail Industry

The Brail Industry is absolutely booming.  It formerly comprised only practical things like words and numbers, but now it also includes countless other forms of media and entertainment.  

One of the greatest hits has certainly been the new brail porn magazines.  One woman remarked, "Oh that's so naughty!  I can't believe where they put those bumps."  Another man gasped, "Wow, those last couple of  bumps were so fucking hot. Their general proximity got me rock hard."  

Some brail media can even simulate the effects of drugs. Hallucinogenic brail makes the brail druggie feel like he's "tripping the fuck out."

Brail that simulated eating bacon was found to be very popular.  Brail that simulated slow torture, however, was found to be exceptionally unpopular.

The most genius of all of the applications, though, is undoubtedly brail darts.  

People like Emily Hedberg are leaping in joy, jubilantly proclaiming, "I love brail!"  However, there is a darker side to it.   Hedberg told Pressing Issues a secret truth about brail.  She confessed, "I love it, but at times it can be difficult to tell what is brail and what is just bumpy. One time I read a book for an hour only to realize that it was a turtle."  She then admitted it was "right when the story was getting good, too."  

In a related story, a new study shows that, just as eyes get worse at seeing with age, fingertips get worse at feeling brail with age.  Therefore, a new Fingertip Care Industry is on the rise.  

"Is this bump better, or is this bump better?"  Fingertip Physician Dr Jill Ingwall asked a patient.  "Raise your hand the exact moment that you feel the bump."  After this test, patients are even given a little puff of air into their fingertip to check for fingertip diseases.  

With the brail industry doing so well, I guess it proves that anything you can see, you can feel (at least that's what she said).  

 

Homework Declared A Performance Enhancing Supplement

All around the nation, students are using and abusing it to get their grades up:  Homework.  Based on its effectiveness, it’s no wonder that it’s become such a widespread epidemic.  A recent study suggests that students who use HGH (Homework, Guidance, and Handouts) before taking tests do 80-90% better than students who went in clean.

Former high school valedictorian Dale Quintin admits to using homework before taking many of his tests.  “I just couldn’t take the pressure,” he pleaded.  “I needed something to give me the edge.”  Quintin will face the Supreme Court in May.  Tentative analysis suggests that he’ll receive a steep jail sentence, but capital punishment certainly hasn’t been ruled out.

There are still a select few students playing by the rules.  Biff Harley is one of them.  “I don’t do homework.  Never have.  I’m not a cheater,” he scoffed, while combing his mohawk and adjusting his brass knuckles.  “Any idiot can do well if they study the material ahead of time, but bullshitting the shit out of an essay question you’ve got no fucking clue about – now that takes talent.”

What many high school and college students don’t realize is that HGH use causes slow, but severe physical impairment.  Across the nation, hospitals are being filled with students suffering from paper cuts and graphite stains on their fingers.  One student even reported developing a callus.  The most tragic case, though, occurred just last week when a student overdosed on Language Arts homework.  While attempting to read hundreds of pages from Huckleberry Finn at 1:00 am, the student lost consciousness.  When paramedics arrived, they realized that the student mixed his Language Arts reading assignment with a Pre-Algebra worksheet.  

“The additive effect between the two is deadly,” a paramedic reported.  “The child was already high on math homework.   The second he introduced Language Arts into his bloodstream he went into Cardiac Arrest.  He’s lucky to be alive.  I mean, I’ve seen some bad drug mixing.  I once resuscitated a person who mixed Vicadin, alcohol, and Heroin - but Pre-Algebra and Language Arts?  Jesus Christ.”

In addition to the immediate danger posed by HGH, the substance is highly addictive.  Homework addict Jimmy Spritz claims there are certain triggers that set off his addiction.  “I can’t sit down in class without jonesing to take some notes.  Around the school there are study groups, which are filled with enablers.  The hardest part, I guess, is that I’ll always be an addict.  All it takes is seeing a number two pencil in the grocery store and next thing you know I’m back on the phone with my dealer buying a trapper keeper’s worth of the most potent homework I can get my hands on.”  

There have been some attempts to educate students on HGH abuse, but they were abruptly put to an end.  It seems that these classes incorporated guidance, handouts, and take home worksheets grotesquely reminiscent of the very homework they sought to end.

The current method being employed to stop HGH use is urine testing.  If even a trace amount of Multiple Choice or Fill in the Blank (street names for various types of HGH) is found in the student’s urine, they are immediately expelled, tried, and often executed.  And if, God forbid, the test detects any amount of True or False in the student’s urine, he or she is immediately given the electric chair without any chance for appeal (even in states where the electric chair is illegal).  

Boy Receives Full Body Amputation

Yesterday, in New Bedford, a fifteen year old boy received a head to toe amputation.  The brave patient, Jason Dolby, had a 30% chance of dying during the procedure, but somehow survived unscathed. 

Jason had to undergo the procedure because he developed very severe pancreatic cancer which later spread into his lymph nodes and throughout his entire body.  The doctor’s only choice was to amputate all of him.  The full body amputation procedure is actually quite simple; no cuts have to be made.  All of Dolby was carried to medical waste and dumped in. 

Dolby’s parents tried to talk to him after the operation, but surgeon Tom Benoit informed them that he wouldn’t be able to talk anymore.

“I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Dolby,” Benoit said,  “but he has no vocal chords or mouth.  Or anything"

“We still love Jason, but it’s almost as though a part of him is missing now,” said Mrs. Dolby.  “He doesn’t really do stuff anymore.  Even basic stuff like being visible and existing.

Dolby now attends a school for full body amputees, taught by full body amputees, which is conveniently small and located basically inside of nothing.

            

Bill Passed Allowing Gay Couples to Become BFFs

This Saturday, an historic bill was passed in Vermont to allow gay couples to become online BFFs in chat programs such as AIM.  To clear up some public confusion, BFF stands for “Best Friends Forever,” not “Butt Fucking Friends

Previously, only straight couples were allowed to be BFFs, and many conservatives feel that it should stay this way.  Senator John McCain stated, “I believe that the sanctity of BFFness should remain between a man and a woman.  I firmly believe in traditional AIM version 1.0 values.  I have no problem with gay couples having some sort of a ceremony, or whatever it is those fags do, but I don’t think we should call it being BFFs nor should it be declared in an AIM chatroom."

Many evangelical conservatives are pointing to the bible, which states, “When a man and a woman devoutly enjoy ROFLOLing and LMFAOing together and become so committed that they want to remain together for eternity, then they shall bind their souls in the sanctity of BFFness, but no two men and no two women shall become BFFs, for it is abominable and God thinks it is really gay and that shit grosses him out” (Leviticus 2: 5 - 8)

Homosexual, Lucas Faberson, asks, “Like, why should only men and women be allowed to be BFFs?  The constitution gives me just as much right to say what I want in my AIM profile as anyone in this country.”

Senator McCain responded by saying, “Raise your hand if you don’t fuck people in the ass.”  For the record, Faberson did not raise his hand. 

All declarations of BFFness must be done almost entirely through a civil court, though, because churches across the nation are refusing the accept BFFness among gay couples.  Father John Weiner stated, “I just don’t think our Lord would want gay couples to become BFFs.  They’re certainly welcome to all civil rights, such as being Fuck-Buddies via Email, I-Chat Video Chat Companions, and Facebook Friends."

Faberson responded, stating" “Perhaps we can only pray that these all too powerful religious leaders will shed their prejudice.”  

Father Weiner added, as a final note, "They’re even allowed to be in a Facebook relationship as long as they select ‘It’s complicated’  under their relationship status.”

Eskimo Immigration Crisis

The US has done a good job protecting the southern boarder from illegal immigration, but can't the government do more to protect the northern border from countless Eskimos entering the country?  As this problem grows more rampant, it appears the once reassuring claims that Eskimos melt in warm environments are almost certainly myths.  

Part of the problem has been failure to notice the crisis.  Many Alaskan Eskimos aren't even being called illegal immigrants simply because Alaska is located inside of the United States.  

Many US citizens are losing their jobs to illegal Eskimo immigrants because Eskimos are overqualified for work in the US and willing to do it the same jobs for small amounts of seal meat.  Leading architect Jonathan Grant warns his countrymen that "Eskimos are 80-90% better at building Igloos than the average American.  Igloos can be built at a fraction of the cost of brick and aluminum structures, and if we don't act quickly, the Igloo will become the primary form of architecture.  Everything from baseball stadiums to tropical hotels will be built from ice blocks.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where getting a lap dance means laying my shriveled sack on a frozen bench while a shivering girl shoves her dangerously hard nipples in my face."

States near the boarder, such as Vermont, have been hit hardest by the problem.  Vermont computer software designer Dana Quail told Pressing Issues "It's impossible to tell who's who!  Yesterday I saw a person who appeared to be peacefully making crafts with whale blubber, but it turns out she was an Eskimo!"  

Much discrimination has risen from the conflict.  Racial slurs are being used to describe female Eskimos, including, "Snowblowers," "Deep-Throat Singers," and "Harpoontang."

So many Eskimos have immigrated that leading authorities can no longer count the number on one hand.  God help us if they have to start using toes.  War is already imminent.  Before the week is over the US may engage the Eskimos in a full blown snowball fight.