Bill Passed Allowing Gay Couples to Become BFFs

This Saturday, an historic bill was passed in Vermont to allow gay couples to become online BFFs in chat programs such as AIM.  To clear up some public confusion, BFF stands for “Best Friends Forever,” not “Butt Fucking Friends

Previously, only straight couples were allowed to be BFFs, and many conservatives feel that it should stay this way.  Senator John McCain stated, “I believe that the sanctity of BFFness should remain between a man and a woman.  I firmly believe in traditional AIM version 1.0 values.  I have no problem with gay couples having some sort of a ceremony, or whatever it is those fags do, but I don’t think we should call it being BFFs nor should it be declared in an AIM chatroom."

Many evangelical conservatives are pointing to the bible, which states, “When a man and a woman devoutly enjoy ROFLOLing and LMFAOing together and become so committed that they want to remain together for eternity, then they shall bind their souls in the sanctity of BFFness, but no two men and no two women shall become BFFs, for it is abominable and God thinks it is really gay and that shit grosses him out” (Leviticus 2: 5 - 8)

Homosexual, Lucas Faberson, asks, “Like, why should only men and women be allowed to be BFFs?  The constitution gives me just as much right to say what I want in my AIM profile as anyone in this country.”

Senator McCain responded by saying, “Raise your hand if you don’t fuck people in the ass.”  For the record, Faberson did not raise his hand. 

All declarations of BFFness must be done almost entirely through a civil court, though, because churches across the nation are refusing the accept BFFness among gay couples.  Father John Weiner stated, “I just don’t think our Lord would want gay couples to become BFFs.  They’re certainly welcome to all civil rights, such as being Fuck-Buddies via Email, I-Chat Video Chat Companions, and Facebook Friends."

Faberson responded, stating" “Perhaps we can only pray that these all too powerful religious leaders will shed their prejudice.”  

Father Weiner added, as a final note, "They’re even allowed to be in a Facebook relationship as long as they select ‘It’s complicated’  under their relationship status.”

Eskimo Immigration Crisis

The US has done a good job protecting the southern boarder from illegal immigration, but can't the government do more to protect the northern border from countless Eskimos entering the country?  As this problem grows more rampant, it appears the once reassuring claims that Eskimos melt in warm environments are almost certainly myths.  

Part of the problem has been failure to notice the crisis.  Many Alaskan Eskimos aren't even being called illegal immigrants simply because Alaska is located inside of the United States.  

Many US citizens are losing their jobs to illegal Eskimo immigrants because Eskimos are overqualified for work in the US and willing to do it the same jobs for small amounts of seal meat.  Leading architect Jonathan Grant warns his countrymen that "Eskimos are 80-90% better at building Igloos than the average American.  Igloos can be built at a fraction of the cost of brick and aluminum structures, and if we don't act quickly, the Igloo will become the primary form of architecture.  Everything from baseball stadiums to tropical hotels will be built from ice blocks.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where getting a lap dance means laying my shriveled sack on a frozen bench while a shivering girl shoves her dangerously hard nipples in my face."

States near the boarder, such as Vermont, have been hit hardest by the problem.  Vermont computer software designer Dana Quail told Pressing Issues "It's impossible to tell who's who!  Yesterday I saw a person who appeared to be peacefully making crafts with whale blubber, but it turns out she was an Eskimo!"  

Much discrimination has risen from the conflict.  Racial slurs are being used to describe female Eskimos, including, "Snowblowers," "Deep-Throat Singers," and "Harpoontang."

So many Eskimos have immigrated that leading authorities can no longer count the number on one hand.  God help us if they have to start using toes.  War is already imminent.  Before the week is over the US may engage the Eskimos in a full blown snowball fight.